How to Be More Confident (Life Advice from Rachel Druckenmiller)

Learn how to be more confident in this interview with keynote speaker Rachel Druckenmiller. In this video, Rachel shares her own journey from being shy and timid to becoming more confident. We explore how vulnerability and taking action can build confidence, and Rachel offers advice for how to be more confident in the workplace.

Rachel Druckenmiller is the Founder & CEO of Unmuted. Through virtual and in-person keynotes, workshops and trainings, she teaches leaders and their teams how to boost resilience and how to live and lead with compassion, courage and confidence. In 2019, Rachel was recognized as a 40 Under 40 Game Changer by Workforce Magazine, and Employ Humanity named her one of “7 Wellness Leaders Making a Positive Impact” in 2018. She was named the #1 Health Promotion Professional in the United States by the Wellness Council of America (WELCOA) in 2015.

MALLORY WHITFIELD:

Hi, Rachel, thank you for joining us. So your company is called Unmuted, and I know that has a lot to do with your own confidence story. Can you tell us the story behind that name and your own journey to becoming more confident?

RACHEL DRUCKENMILLER:

Yeah. So growing up, you know, I think we see people that are competent adults, and we're like, "Oh, you've always been that way." Right? And when I tell people, "No, I was actually very shy and timid," and I was an awkward little girl who loved to sing but didn't in front of people and who loved to write poems and stories and journaling but didn't share that with people either. And who had feelings about the things that were going on in my life, you know, from my parents' marital challenges to not feeling included as a kid. But I kept all of that really quiet and kind of locked up. Because I didn't think that was something that good girls really talked about. You know, good girls are happy all the time and they get good grades and they're well behaved. And I played that game really well, because you get rewarded when you do.

I also wore uniforms -- I went to Catholic school for 12 years so I was in uniforms, so literally there was like no visual outward self-expression. I didn't have the opportunity, I guess I could say, until really like, I got to college. I was figuring out what my sense of fashion was like as an 18 year old which is sort of weird, but all that to say, that combined that sense of silencing myself in terms of creative expression, the sense of silencing myself in terms of sharing my feelings, my thoughts, my fears and my insecurities and all that kind of stuff. In terms of how I showed up physically, like showing up in a very muted way -- I wore like 50 shades of pastel. (I probably should have worn a brighter shirt today, but I am wearing big old earrings.)

It's almost like I didn't want to be seen. But deep down, I really did, because I think all of us really want to be seen. But there was some part of me that was uncomfortable with that. And so it wasn't until I would say, I, you know, I had little moments, incremental moments where I would use my voice and test it out. I studied abroad in Spain during college, and that culture is so vibrant and so alive. You're like, never alone. And it just really brought things out of me that I'd really never let out before. It's a very expressive culture. I had been in gospel choir because you didn't have to try out for it. So I decided when I came back from Spain, I was like, "I'm gonna go for a solo." Like, I've been loving to sing, you know, at that point for what, 15 years or whatever. I'm gonna try for the solo. And I did and that was the beginning of me starting to use my voice more boldly and less apologetically.

Confidence is a by-product of action. So often we think there's going to be a point when we're going to be confident. And it's like, "No, you got to do stuff. You got to like, do stuff to unlock that." And you're going to have moments of courage, which basically means that you're scared, but you're moving forward anyway.

You know, that was sort of the beginning, and that was at this point, like 15 years ago. Ever since then, through different experiences at work where I would put myself out there, I gained confidence. At work, I made up my job when I was 22. I was like, "I'm interested in this era of worksite wellness, I'm a wellness coordinator. What does that person do? I don't know, my parents were entrepreneurs, they made up their job, I can make it my job." And so I just sort of started inviting myself into things. You know, I started saying, "Hey, this training looks interesting, I want to do that," or "Hey, can I go to that conference? Here's what I'm going to bring back. And here's how it's going to benefit you." And so I really just started advocating for myself. I think more than anything, confidence is the by-product of action. And it comes when we believe that we are worthy of the things that we want, and we take steps to move toward them.

Those are some incremental things. And then in terms of, you know, where were the tipping points? One involves how we met. I'd say another one of them was that we got this assessment, there's an assessment called the Predictive Index Behavioral Assessment that we took for work six years ago. I'm taking this assessment and I'm getting my results back. And there's a way that I think other people expect me to show up and then there's a way that I see myself, and these were two different people. I was like, "Wow, you are not showing up as yourself." And that was a pivot point where I was like, "Okay, you're gonna stop being so apologetic and you're just going to start letting yourself lead and be who you are. And not in an abrasive way, but like to not apologize. You're wired to lead, and to take charge. So do that."

And then you and I met through this group, Heroic Public Speaking (HPS), which basically just unlocks awesomeness in people. You can't help but gain confidence when you're in a community of other people that are courageous. When you're in a community of other people that believe that who they are in that moment is not all that they're meant to be, that there is more that's possible... it's contagious. And so in that environment, you know, we had the opportunity to really use our voices and hone our craft as speakers. And that's what gave me the nudge, that was the catalyst to finally get me to totally get unmuted and say, "I'm leaving my corporate job, my stable career. After 13 years, I'm going to start my own thing." And so I launched that in September 2019.

Well, wait, can you dive a little bit deeper into the story of exactly like what happened during the time that we met? Can you share your confidence story in that moment, because I know that was kind of a breakthrough for you?

Yes. So the funny thing is we work with writing coaches along the way, writing these scripts, and I remember I was putting together a script telling the story of gospel choir when I tried out for that solo. I had put in the script at the last minute, literally an afterthought: "I'm telling the story about singing, should I sing? Ooh, people who sing on stage are weird. This can go very badly. Like, I've seen it not go well. And I'm like, I don't want to be that kitschy person, you know." And my writing coach AJ Harper was like, yeah, you should put that in there. So we get into this masterclass with Michael Port, and I was doing this bit and sharing it and I get on stage. And I've sung in terms of choir to hundreds of people, and here I am in a room with like, eighteen people, but because I really respect and admire everyone... everyone else is like really, highly accomplished in some regard, and it's just a little nerve wracking when you're having to take something that you were confident in one area of your life and then display that within a completely different context. You don't always hold on to that same level of confidence.

Again, confidence was a by-product of action. "So get on the stage and sing the song, Rachel." And so I did. And, you know, Michael was very encouraging, like, "Can you open your eyes when you sing, so you can actually connect with people?" And then later that day, he was sitting on stage and he was looking for something on the internet but he couldn't find it, and there was dead space, which they generally don't like. There's like, I guess 75 students or so, plus five of the teachers in the room. After a moment of silence, he goes, "Where's our singer?" And legit, I looked around the room too, like, "Yes, where's that singer?" Then Michael looked at me, I was in the third row or something. He's like, "Yeah, Rachel, sing for us." I had just met everybody like two days earlier. And I was like, "You've got to be kidding me." Like, is he serious? So I'm like, very hesitantly... I'm not popping up to sing to everybody. I was like, "What do you want me to sing?" He said, "Just sing, like you did earlier." And then I did. And it's just this moment... I probably closed my eyes a lot because I was just kinda nervous. But that moment of like, when we were so afraid that when we step out, that we're going to be rejected or judged... That holds a lot of people back from showing up more confidently because there's this concern: "What if I step out, and what if I speak out? What if I speak up? And what if it's not good enough? What if I'm wrong? What if I get rejected? What if I get judged?" And then we're like, you know, it's just safer to not try. But in that community not trying is like legit not an option. Somebody is going to be like, "Oh no, you're getting up." Just to be in that environment and to do it and to sing and to get into it. And then to have a moment of just sitting down as everyone rises up, clapping and surrounding you with so much encouragement and support.

I feel like so much of what builds confidence is being in a community of people that have your back. So to the extent that you can be mindful of, "Who am I surrounding myself with, and how can I bring more people into my life that will have my back, even if I had missed every note, even if my voice had cracked, even if all of my worst fears of what I could imagine had happened?" I believe everyone in that room still would have had my back and would not have judged me.

Yeah, I think that's so important, right? Being mindful of the people that we allow into our lives, or the people that we allow to critique or give us feedback. You know, Brené Brown talks a lot about the people who are in the arena with you. The people who are also doing the work and taking the action, too... maybe they're allowed to give you feedback, or you can feel the judgment from them, but not from somebody who is sitting on the sidelines.

Yes, and at HPS we were really big on that feedback piece, right? It's like, "Unsolicited feedback? Not welcome here." You know, be very clear on why you're asking for feedback and what the goal is, and if someone didn't ask for it, you might not actually be giving them good advice.

Yeah. Well, and what we learned about that sort of mindfulness around feedback in Heroic Public Speaking is something I've felt translate to the rest of my life, too. This conversation is also reminding me... I don't know if RuPaul was the first person to say this, but I feel like they're the first person I heard say it... this idea that, “What other people say about me is none of my business.” Which is easier said than done a lot of times...

But we get caught up in that, right? Because that was the fear for so long. It's like, "What if people think I'm a bad singer?" Okay, well, what if they do? Like, why does that matter? Like, should you not sing then? You know, or what if someone thinks my art sucks?

I had somebody write to me on LinkedIn this week, as I was sharing the story I just told you on LinkedIn, somebody shared a story of how they had an art mentor. They had drawn a picture of a vase of flowers or something, and the mentor told them how terrible it was and they had really strong words for this person. But that person made the choice to not let it affect them. It's like, we don't realize all the time that we have the choice to let certain things in or not. Just because someone else thinks it, doesn't make it true. Just because someone else says it, doesn't make it true. Even if it triggers us in some way. That doesn't mean that what they have said is true or valid. It just is their experience of reality. It doesn't make it so. When this person reached out, it was so cool because at the end of it, she shared a picture of a painting of a vase of flowers. She did not let that person hold her back. She's still painting, and I'm like, that's awesome. You know, that's what I think we need more of.

There's a woman that I'm friends with who came up to me one day, after church. She just came up to me and she put a hand on my shoulder. She's like, "You've got to be unshakable." And I was like, "What? That's a weird thing to just randomly come up to someone and say," but I feel like, if you're going to put yourself in the public eye, if you're going to put yourself out there, if you're going to share your voice, if you're going to share your gift, if you're going to share your thoughts and feelings and beliefs and experiences with the world in an unconventional way, or in a very honest and vulnerable way... Not everyone's going to like you. Like, I got enough friends. If all these random people that I don't even know don't like me, that's fine. But one of the things Brené Brown talks about is your Square Squad. It's like, think of drawing a one inch square, and put all the names of people whose opinions really matter to you in that square. If somebody else from outside of that box has some opinion about you, you can choose to just not let that affect you. These people in the box really know you.

If there's a difference between the two that's related to this point, it's the difference between being noticed and being known. And I think we miss that a lot. It's like, "Oh, I'm being noticed." Yeah. But does anyone really know you? Because that's how I felt a lot of my life. Like, "Oh, people are noticing me. They noticed that I'm smart, or they noticed that I'm whatever." But how many people really know what's underneath this persona that I've created? We build confidence when we are really known by people, because no matter what... even if we fall flat on our face, the people who really know us are going to be there anyway, because they know that expression of who we are is not the totality of who we are.

Yeah, well, and that idea of being known in the way that you're talking about, and also the fact that we've also already mentioned Brené Brown a couple of times, right? I think that ties into vulnerability, which is hard, which is something I struggled with for a really long time, and parts of my own vulnerability, I only allowed myself to really have in the last couple of years. It's hard stuff, but I think being vulnerable is a part of the action towards being more confident.

100%. Yeah, because if you're not... because confidence is, I think, in some ways, I don't even know if I'm kind of thinking this through as I'm saying it... Confidence and courage are very much connected to each other. To be vulnerable is to be courageous. And so if you're not willing to be vulnerable, because here's the thing, if you're only sharing the parts of who you are that you know are immediately going to get approval... What happens when something other than that is exposed? You'd crumble, right? Your confidence, it's like a false confidence, because it's based on a very linear lens about a very, very, very small perspective on who you are, because you're only showing part of yourself.

But if you're really showing the fullness of yourself, in terms of the parts of you that you're really proud of... The parts of you that you struggle with, the things that you've worked through, and the things that you're still in the middle of figuring out... When you can be honest about the fullness of who you are... (And not everyone needs to know that, that's the other thing, too, is like there is discretion involved.) This isn't about just telling the whole world everything. No, that's why you have that one-inch square box. Like, the people in that box... Maybe they get to know everything, but everybody else, you know, they get to know what you share.

Part of confidence, I think, comes from really being grounded and rooted. And from people knowing us at our core, and having our back, no matter what, whether we fail or not.

So you've talked a lot about action being this thing that's really crucial to creating confidence, right? That confidence is a by-product of action. Thinking about professional settings... (and you've talked a little bit about your own experience), but what specific tangible actions would you recommend? Like if somebody's struggling to be confident, maybe they've suddenly come into in a managerial or a leadership position, or it's their first job... What are some specific, tangible things that you would advise them to do to be more confident in that professional role?

One of the things that I encourage people to do that I find to be really helpful is to basically get feedback on you at your best. Get feedback on yourself when you're at your best. Reach out, and make a list of like 8-10 people that know you. This could be friends or family or colleagues or customers or mentors or coaches or teachers, whoever. People that know you pretty well, that have spent some time with you, and really ask them, "Hey, can you tell me a story about a time where you've seen me at my best? What did you see show up in that moment? What did I bring to that moment? What words would you use to describe what my contribution was or how I showed up?"

You can do this through an email. You know, be like, "Hey, I'm getting some feedback because I'm continuing to grow in my career and I'm doing some reflection." A lot of people are doing some reflection right now. So that's pretty understandable. If it's not something that you're used to reaching out to people for, I think now would be a time where it won't be surprising because a lot of people are doing a lot of reflecting. Really ask them to say, "Hey, can you tell me about a time where you've seen me at my best. And, what did you notice about me during that time?" Very few of us ever ask for that kind of input, so we don't actually even know how we're showing up and how it's affecting people.

Then start to collect that, and put together a list of those things. As you're hearing from multiple people, 8-10, maybe even 12 people that you're going to reach out to, then you'll start to notice some themes about yourself: "Gosh, this is weird, six people that don't know each other all say the same thing about me." And maybe it's a positive thing, because you're not saying, "Hey, what have you seen me screw up?" You're saying, "Hey, when have you seen me at my best?"

When other people affirm when they have seen us at our best, and we can really take that and absorb it, that's one of the things that makes us more confident because we're thinking, "Oh gosh, well, I hope that's true of me. I'm trying to bring that to the world. I'm really glad, and now I'm feeling affirmed that all of these people who actually know me are seeing that." And so by putting together this list of themes, and then looking at that list and saying, "Okay, if I were stepping into that more fully, these things that people are already saying that I do really, really well... What are one or two or three things that I can do in the next 30, 60, 90 days? How can I bring even more of that into what I'm doing, or how can I have a conversation with a colleague or a manager or a mentor, about a process, the feedback I got, and say, hey, these are some things that came up, and I know that if I can continue to do things that put me in a position of being my best that I'll contribute even more here." And then it's from a business perspective.

Like it or not, a lot of businesses are focused on performance and production. A lot of companies are, so if you can connect the dots for them... Like, I used to make this list of my highest payoff activities. There's something my boss had read in a book that he called "energy vampires." So I made these lists of my highest payoff activities, like the things I'm uniquely equipped to do that I do particularly well that I get really good feedback on that energize me. And then the energy vampires, I was like, "Hey, every minute I spend doing these things, takes away from this other stuff where you actually get the best and most out of me. Is there anybody else within the organization that might be able to help with these things?"

So much of it is an advocacy thing, and most people I don't think have ever been put in position where they feel like that is even an option for them to ask for something different than whatever they've been handed. A lot of this is recognizing that you have to advocate for yourself in your career more than anyone else. Just showing up and doing a good job and doing what's expected is not necessarily going to get you more opportunities. The people that get the opportunities are the people that go after them. And that's not to say that sometimes people don't just get promoted because someone does notice they're doing a good job. But a lot of times, it takes that extra discretionary effort.

Most people don't pause in their career to say, "Where am I going? And what am I doing to get there?" It's just like, "Let me just show up another day. Let me show up another day. Let me show up another day and eventually end up where I'm supposed to be." Well, some of this takes intentional effort.

I would maybe find somebody in my industry that I admired or who had written a book or that I thought was thinking differently. I would reach out on LinkedIn and be like, "Hey, I think what you're doing is really cool, I'd love to talk to you. Do you have a half hour to chat? I would just like to learn more about what you do." People are flattered by having someone reach out.

So, it was like using my voice to ask for the feedback, to build my confidence, and then also using my voice to really reach out to people that I admired and to ask for opportunities that I thought would help me grow and tying them back to how they would help the business. "Hey, I want to go to this conference, I'm going to bring back the latest and greatest ideas that we can then implement so that we are thought leaders and industry leaders." If you make time to advocate for something, but make no connection back to how it's gonna help the business, it's going to be harder to get stuff like that approved. So I always made the connection: "Hey, if you give me the opportunity to do this, here's how I'm going to bring it back and here's how it's gonna help you." So these are just a few things that come to mind about building confidence in the workplace.

You are a wealth of resources and information. Speaking of resources, what is one resource that you feel really changed your life? Maybe it's a book or a person or movie, music... It could be anything really.

Well, I love reading, and I have a book that changed things for me. One New Year's Eve, I was in a bookstore in Baltimore. I saw the cover of this book, and I was like, "That's a neat cover." And I opened it and started reading it. It was about this woman sharing how often people make New Year's resolutions, and then the resolutions kind of die by like February. And she was like, "Well, what if we stopped focusing on the list of things I'm going to do and instead focus on how do I want to feel?" And then connect that to, "Okay, this is how I want to feel, what are the things that I do that make me feel that way?" And so then I'm more focused on manifesting the feeling instead of completing my to-do list of all the things I'm supposed to do with the New Year. The book was called The Desire Map by Danielle Laporte.

Here's another book by her, that as you can tell when books are very weathered... This book is The Fire Starter Sessions. She doesn't mince words, and I just love the truth and the honesty in this book. Just to give you one insight: "Competency is for suckers. Be careful what you're good at, you could end up doing it for years." Like, okay, I can get behind somebody that's gonna be that honest with me. There's so many exercises and worksheets and stuff in here. So if someone is like, "I'm feeling stuck, I don't know what to do. I don't know where I'm going..." This is an awesome book, and I recommend it to a lot of people. I found it to be really helpful to just get me to be honest with myself about what I'm here to do, and to not waste my time.

Yeah, that's a great resource. I don't follow her as regularly anymore, but I'm definitely familiar with some of her work. She's good. Um, so beyond reading that book sooner, maybe if you could go back and give advice to your 20 year old self? What would you tell her?

You know, I saw this on an Alex and Ani bracelet and has stuck with me so much: "What is meant for you will not pass you."

We're so concerned with, "What if I miss it? But what if... Oh, that opportunity... that person... but that's supposed to be mine!" I have learned, Mallory, that anything of significance that has happened in my life was gonna happen. If it was meant for me, it was going to find its way to me. And it wasn't that as much as the advocacy piece, which is important, and we want to make sure that we're doing that as part of the process. But that's not about forcing things to happen, right? That's about taking action. And I can tell you that even how serendipitously Heroic Public Speaking came into my life... A conversation at a bar with a guy didn't know, and he was like, "Do you know Michael and Amy Port?" I'm like, "No." And then four months later, I'm in Philadelphia, standing on my feet and singing. So it's like, just really trust that what is meant for you will not pass you, but keep showing up consistently along that path.

Yeah, that's so, so true. Rachel, where can people find you and connect with you online?

I'm most active on LinkedIn - search Rachel Druckenmiller on LinkedIn, and it will have the links for that. My website is UnmutedLife.com, and then I'm on Instagram at @unmutedlife. And then every other social media platform is sort of a joke. I'm like on it, but I'm not, so just follow me on those.

I feel you. Thank you.

Yeah. This is a conversation where I feel like we talked about stuff I don't normally talk about. So thanks for being awesome. Yeah. Thank you.

Learn more about working with Rachel for an interactive virtual session for your organization, association, or leadership team: https://unmutedlife.com/start-here